Month: November, 2011
Dear Mak & Liv:
A few days ago I asked you both a question that I try to ask frequently. How can I be a better mama to you?
I don’t ever want to be a mama that thinks that she’s got it all goin’ on. Because I so don’t have it all goin’ on. I fail. In epic ways. And I want to acknowledge those faults and try to grow into a better person.
Sometime the answers you give are funny. Livy said: “well, mama, you make all of those organic-y vegetable-y things and sometimes maybe you could make stuff that wasn’t really like that all of the time.” Yes, sometimes I could make things that aren’t all organic-y and vegetable-y all of the time!
I’m not sure why I’m reflecting right now………..I seem to do that when seasons are changing. Isn’t that weird?
Today it occurred to me that I’m not as meek and gentle as I wish I were – they way I should be. Things tend to be black or white with me. There really isn’t much middle ground. And when you see the world without shades of gray, stakes in the ground are erected pretty quickly and sometimes in a not-so-gentle manner. That is difficult sometimes to deal with, isn’t it?
Therefore, I’m offering an open apology to you for my black-and-white-type-thinking and for planting stakes in the ground in an “ungentle” type way. I can’t tell you that my views will shift but I can promise that I’ll think more deeply before I take a position.
I love you.
Love, mama xoxoxox
The other day we were sitting on our living room couch talking to Livy. It was sweet. We were encouraging her in the gifts and talents God has given her. Her papa said, “well, where did you get the talent to play softball?” She replied “You, papa.” And then she went on to say that she swims good because of her mama. This went on for a few minutes and then I asked her how she got so smart. Without flinching or thinking for one second she said, “Well I got the smart gene from Beepa! Who else?” Beepa is my dad. This was one of those moments when I thought all was right with the world.
He walked away after 22 years of marriage. 22 years. 3 children. A life together.
She walked into the clinic full of life. She walked out empty.
They left their church after 7 years. Goodbye to relationships and memories.
Life gets hard and we turn away. We choose easy rather than right. We choose what makes us feel good, rather than that which is difficult.
There is beauty in the fight. The sunrise and song after the dark stillness.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the benefits of remaining when it’s not easy. The joy in a long marriage – one carved out of a difficult path and the glory in the after. The single mom, grateful she made the difficult choice 18 years earlier. The gifts in remaining where you know you should be.
Our church is far from our home. It takes every bit of 30 minutes to get there. We’ve contemplated many times choosing the church 5 minutes from our home. The church that is spot on theologically. The church that I love. But, there is joy and remarkable growing in the fighting. I know that. And so, we remain where we are called. And the Lord has shown me over and over again these last six months how beautiful and good it is to fight. Even when it could be easier. Our church is our family. There are people there more precious to me than gold. The Lord is working in our church in ways that I am blessed to witness. So, we remain. We joyfully remain. And we are overwhelmed by God’s faithfulness and goodness.
From a place so deep in me that only my Immanuel family could know, I love you. I love how you serve. I love how you love. My family is honored to worship alongside of you.