Month: February, 2012
It happens each and every February. This restless gypsy rises up in me and I dream of selling everything and going – hmmmm – just driving off somewhere. I woke up this morning and knew that she had arrived as if on some kind of queue.
So here’s the truth of the matter: my heart goes a bit haywire. I want to listen to music, very loud music. I don’t want to talk. I want to think. My mind goes places that it should not. I think about a life where I would refuse to pay my bills and I would indulge myself in things that would ruin my life. Maybe that’s a little bit shocking to read. And maybe you don’t have a gypsy that rises up in you sometimes. I do, though. And if I kept it all inside and let it sit there all alone in the dark it would be quite dangerous. So when she shows up each February, I have a hand full of people that I talk to. People who love me and don’t judge me. People who pour out love into me. People whose love helps to smooth out these edges that begin to fray each year when it’s so very grey outside.
When this gypsy shows up, it feels like there is a fight inside of me. And when I contemplate it, I come to the very realization that every Biblical thing I believe is so true. I have been born with a sin nature. I’ve been born with this propensity to discontentment and anger and all manner of other ugliness. So, I’ve got this ugliness inside of me waring against the perfect Holy Spirit. When I enter into this season each year, I always – ALWAYS – see the truth God has shown me in His Word through my struggle.
And then I immediately understand the one who decides on a whim to shoot up for the very first time. Yes, I understand it. It’s horribly tragic, but I get it. I’m no better than the person who makes a really bad decision that leads to disaster. And you aren’t either.
And after my brain races through all of these thoughts and my heart goes through a myriad of emotions, I bow my head and thank God that He’s helped me to see the truth. And then I cling to Him until the gypsy slithers away.
Happy things are individual. A happy thing for me may not be a happy thing for you. And they change over time, don’t they? Years ago a happy thing to me was a one carat diamond ring. Now I don’t care much for fancy jewelry.
The happiest thing to me these days is marriage.
Climbing the mountain of the deepest relationship – rocks tumbling down the side as I place my foot unsure, moving upward nonetheless. Out of breath on some days from the physical exertion of the climbing. Face windblown – the gusty winds along the side of the treacherous mountainside paint my skin with red. Hands a bit wounded from the sharp rocks. Hanging on tight when the weather changes unexpectedly.
And then, after all of that hard work, the summit. The point at which we look back and see how far we’ve climbed. We see the wounds we’ve suffered alongside one another during the climb. Savoring the view, embracing one another. Excited for the descent. It’s easier, the descent. We can hold hands during the descent. The ascent requires a lot of hard work and concentration………both hands are needed to pull oneself up. However, the descent is different. It’s more peaceful. And more beautiful.
My sweet David: we’ve worked hard. And the hard work has produced much fruit. Let’s savor the summit together for a long time. And when the Lord asks us to begin our descent, I promise to hold your hand all the way home – Home to Him.
The other day when we sat having coffee together and we shared verbally what we loved about one another, you made me cry. We kept the list to three things that day. And the three things you told me swelled up in my heart. Because you know me. So true. You do. I’ve loved those words so much. So much so, that I’m going to jot them here for the girls to see in the book of this blog I will make.
Girls, your papa said this to me the other day: “I love that you love music. And that you’ve given the girls this love you have of music. I love that you are selfless. I love that you love God.” And I said this to him: “I love that you love to read. I love that you work so hard……….so incredibly hard. I love that you drive carefully, to protect us.”
There’s a little peak at what the treacherous climbing has produced.
It’s my happiest, happy thing.
David: Remember when I fell in love with this photograph? And when I showed it to you, you said, ”it reminds me of you and me?” I loved it deeper after you said that.
Last weekend my sweetie (well, I call him my hot, hot, hottie) and I went away to a lovely resort north of Milwaukee. The Osthoff is a quiet, beautiful place to spend quiet time alone.
We had a lovely Friday there – complete with spa services and lots of rest. In the evening, we sat quietly alone – however, the incomparable Frank Sinatra was with us. While I sat quietly next to him, I began having a conversation with Jesus. Have you ever done that? I was just conversing with Him in my heart as I sat there with my hottie. The first word I said to Him was this: really?
My conversation with my Lord went something like this. “Really, Lord? You give up everything for me – a person who has a dark, disobedient and sinful disposition. Plus you give me this man. This man who treats me so very well. This man who would lay down his life for his wife. Yes, Lord, I have no doubt that he would. And then Lord, you provide the resources for us to go to a nice place like this. Really, Lord?”
I never said a word to the hottie about my conversation with our Lord. The only thing I could picture was Jesus just smiling as big as He could. Because I do know that my Lord loves for me to be blessed …………… thankfully blessed.
Later that weekend, we went to our morning church service. And my Lord, He spoke back to me. While my pastor was speaking, he said “and what is it Jesus is asking you to lay down?” Yes, my Lord speaks to me through other people sometimes. I bet He does that for you too.
It was in that moment that my Lord said, “yes, really, Dawn I have blessed you abundantly.” And then I heard Him say, “My desire is that you lay down something for me.” Immediately I knew what He was asking. He’s asking me to lay down more of my time for Him. Normally, that would be a very scary thing for a busy mama to hear from her Lord. However, can you see how wonderfully He prepared my heart? He caused that I see His overflowing gracious blessings on me. Me!
“No,” Lord, I answered. “It will not be hard because You’ve helped me to see clearly.”
He’s like that, my Lord. He prepares me so gently and then, then He gives a command.
**one of my favorite photos of us……….taken while we were quietly spending time alone last weekend
Dear Mak & Livy:
Today I was sitting on the sofa reading with Livy. She’s 9 now and as I sat there reading with her, I realized something.
It happened when it was her turn to read. I took my eyes off the page and looked up and I saw my Mak. Standing there all grown up and 14 years old. And I realized that one day you’ll both be too old for me to read to you. Something of my heart broke off right then and there and I think a tear welled up in my eye.
It’s the reading I’ve loved so much. The reading to you. The reading with you. The choosing the books. The loving the books. It’s something I’ve treasured as your mama. I just thought you should know.
I love you. I love you the biggest my heart can love.